"Soul mate"

"Soul mate"

 I think I was fortunate to have found mine, but it was at a cost. 

 I fell in love with her voice first. Most times you hear it is love at first sight but for me it was her voice that made me feel something incredibly beyond anything I ever imagined. It was like a full on adrenaline rush. I was on my way downstairs at home when I heard her voice. I was with my girlfriend at the time, which was quite beautiful in many ways herself, so I just introduced myself once I went downstairs and left home with my girlfriend. 

 I sensed her and was moved yet another time without seeing her, and was overwhelmed again. 

 I was on my way to Stinson Beach and coming up to the San Rafael Bridge toll booth when a SUV with illegally tinted windows rolled up beside me and it was an acquaintance of my brothers named Mark. I guess Mark saw the surf board I had on the roof of my '58 Volkswagen bug, so he knew I was headed to Stinson, where he was going as well. The whole time I was talking to him I felt something "pulling" my heart, making me look towards the back passenger window of the SUV. I could not see anything the windows were that dark, not even an outline. I wrote it off thinking it was my imagination so chatted a bit, and again, I found myself drawn to the back of the SUV and I thought, "What powerful entity is back there that is making me so drawn to it and feeling this way." So I get to Stinson Beach and begin to look for my brother which had my wetsuit (ocean=cold), I was going north and could not find him. I run across my brothers friend Mark again, he was going in the opposite direction with his girlfriend and another girl (the one) and asks me if I knew where my brother was. I told him I was looking for him too and had not seen him. We end up putting our towels down right there and wait it out. At this point I had already noticed her. She was sooooo freaking hot that I literally could not look at her. It was overwhelming. Being a conscientious, righteous, dude I put my towel down a bit away from them to give them a bit of space. I thought this girl, Heather, would be on the other side. Instead Heather put her towel down next to me and for the next few hours, I just spent the time talking to her without looking at her for fear I would pop one right there lol. Anyway. Communication was great, I was in love, so was she, she even got me to consider for the first, and last time, the concept of marriage without ever talking about it. This concept was totally foreign and new to me but felt right. 

 Fast forward a few years and due to circumstances beyond our control at the time, she had to move away to the mid west. I was faithful for a year, was not hard, but the distance took its toll. 

 I had made myself a promise, that if I ever were to do more harm to her well being than good, I would end the relationship even if I were "fine" with the relationship. I felt so much pain from being separate, and it was painful to hear her cry and not being able to do anything about being apart. I decided I had become more a source of pain than joy to her and after a while thought it be best if I just let her go and end the suffering. I knew however there was no way we would ever separate. It was really a perfect relationship. Sure we had spats, but rarely and always worked things out making the relationship more intense, bigger, and better. So, knowing I could not find a good reason to make it easier on her to let go of me, I realized I had to lie in order for it to end. I tried to think of something I had done wrong but there was nothing at all I could drawn upon, I actually tripped and realized yet again she was "the one" because of this. Regardless of the fact I wanted her more then anything, I thought it was not healthy for her. So I decide to lie and make something up. I decided to lie and tell her I had been cheating on her the whole time. I knew she would not believe me and thought it out before calling her. I foresaw that once I told her the lie I knew she would not believe me so I would just have to say it again and in an angry tone. When it came to it it happened just like I thought. I told her I had been cheating on her and she responded (totally not going for what I was saying", "no you haven't. I told her again angrily that I was and that I wanted to break up. I was not prepared for what happened next. She let out a cry that caused me to feel something that was totally unexpected. The only way I could describe it is to say that it felt the universe tear. Something was destroyed and it was strong. I realized I destroyed all the beauty I was lucky enough to have experienced in the first place. It was a horrible, unexplainable experience. 

 A few years later I felt drawn to call her, so I did. 

 Heather told me she was going to get married, which was my own dream. At that point I had no right to say anything either way so just wished her the best. She told me then that she had always dreamt that I would come back for her and take her away. That made me think inside that that is something I would have wanted more than anything, but never said that to her. Years later I felt her again, and out of the blue I call her old friend that lived in the bay area. As it turns out she had recently moved back to the bay area and was staying with her. Heather was kind of amazed and wondered how I knew she was back. I just felt drawn once again to her. I saw her once more after we talked, we went out to dance in SF and things did not feel quite right. We decided to head back and I was taking her home. I wanted to hold her hand and she obliged. After a short time I felt a ring, and my hand kind of jumped. She realized what I had felt and withdrew her hand. At that point it became too real for me and she saw how much it hurt me. I have loved many women, in many different ways. I never loved like that again however. 

 Whenever I hear "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all", I think to myself, does the amount of hurt really over the years really outweigh the love? Sometimes I wonder. Since then I have told her a few times that I had lied but she never quite believed me. Years later, I hope someday she realizes that I did in fact lie to break up and release her from the pain. Until then, I am not, and have not been free. She still never heard me tell her that I fell in love with her voice first, and that I sensed her before I saw her on the way to the beach. 

 If I would give any advice to anyone that has ever found their soul mate, it is that you should do anything (healthy) to not give it up. Nothing in life is worth pursuing more when it is right.